Breaking Up Is Hard To Do - Getting Closure

Once our South African visas were approved our move became very real. Everything began to start with the phrase, "Our last ..." Our last Thanksgiving in America. Our last Christmas in Fanwood. Our last Christmas in NY. Our last ski trip to Vermont. Our last sail on Barnegat Bay. While they may not be "our last" forever, forever, they were our last for the foreseeable future.

This nostalgia naturally spilled over into friendships and relationships and I had to face facts. I would have to say goodbye to friends with whom I had shared a sizable part of my life and friendships which produced tons of memories, tears and laughter. This was going to be hard for all of us. Telling friends and family you are moving is hard enough, but telling them you are moving half way around the world and that your departure is probably permanent is even harder! 

While I was very excited to be moving to South Africa and felt like I was ready for whatever my future held, I did understand that it will be difficult and scary and lonely for a while.  I will miss my family, my friends, my home, my routines. They have made me very happy. They are comfortable. They are comforting. I am going to try to embrace the unavoidable feelings of homesickness and nostalgia when they happen.

I will tell myself it is a good thing to miss my friends, my family and my home. It means they mattered to me. How much sadder I would be if I went through life without making an emotional connection with the places and the people around me. I will be bringing with me so many happy memories to help me get over my homesickness.

Closure is an important step in this process and I had to reach some kind of closure first with the people who mattered to me most. I had to let them know the place they held and will always hold in my heart. It is a sign of respect for them and a way to help me process my leaving them.  

I didn't think I could get that kind of closure with a big blowout farewell party where it is hard to make a meaningful connection with  friends. Besides I didn't think I could take the volcanic eruption of that much concentrated emotion. So instead, for the next few months I went out to brunch, lunch, dinner, for cocktails and coffee with small groups of friends.  I even had a little farewell slumber party in the case of two of my nieces. Many small but manageable emotional hiccups.

I invited them to visit and I hope they do.  I have suggested we meet somewhere in between the USA and South Africa like in Europe somewhere and I hope we do. And I invited them to keep in touch. The great thing about moving now as opposed to 1971 when my family moved to Florida from NJ is that communication is so much easier and more satisfying. Facebook, email, Skype and Face Time definitely beat the letter-writing chore of the past.   

farewell Christmas card

I even had closure with the other 175 friends and acquaintances on my Christmas card list every year. That was one tradition I will be happy to leave behind! I sent a little closure poem with my 2012 Christmas card,

           "We've moved to South Africa!

             You've what?! Holy Cow!

             So this is our farewell Christmas Card

             TTFN (Ta Ta For Now!)"

One thing I will not be bringing with me to South Africa is regret. I have no regrets about my time in NY and NJ. I jumped into my life there with both feet, did as much as I could do, enjoyed everything the city and my homes had to offer me, made many friends, learned as much as I could, expanded, grew and participated in my life as fully as humanly possible. I can’t think of a single opportunity I passed up or didn’t seek out if it didn't present itself first.

I want to leave South Africa someday with nothing but good memories and experiences, lasting friendships, and without regret. My wish is that I am lucky enough someday to be really miserable, to feel homesick and to be just as nostalgic for my life in South Africa.