The Business of Making Friends

Yes you read it right. It is a business in my case because I am going to have to work at it. Like I've never done before.

Nancy and I reunite in the 80's

You see, I have moved before both near and far but I have always moved into a community where friends came naturally. Moving from NJ to Florida in high school, I had the "pool of school" to jump into. I was very lucky in that I met a really good friend Mary at the bus stop on the first day of school and my best friend Nancy on the same day in gym class. Nancy and I had both moved to Florida from New Jersey only weeks before and we found out that day we had the same exact birthday too! How's that for an Olympic-quality dive into the school pool?

Jersey shore house in Belmar

When I moved back to NJ after college, I had a new job and graduate school waiting to tap. Once again, luck was on my side. I met my future husband almost immediately at a mixer for an upcoming Bell Labs Ski Club ski trip we were both signed up for. Bell Labs, where we worked, was in the middle of a hiring heyday scooping up college graduates from all over the country. It was ideal.

w Bell Labs pal Carol

We were all about the same age, new to the area and eager to make friends. Softball leagues, bocce leagues, disco dancing lessons at lunch, a Ski Club, FADC (Friday Afternoon Drinking Club), summer shore house shares. These were all natural ice-breakers creating slews of new friendships. Another graduate school, more moves around New York and New Jersey, and different jobs brought more new friends.

My 50th birthday luncheon

After I stopped working to have and stay home with my children, I had to work a little bit at the friend-making. I joined playgroups through Overlook Hospital in Summit where my children were born and the local Newcomers Club in town before my sons started pre-school and helped to create another community pool of friends. I joined the Junior League in Westfield where I lived to further connect with my local community. The League led to sponsorships for other clubs where I made more friends. I have always thought it a Catch 22 by the way that in order to join country clubs or swim clubs or tennis clubs or even exclusive garden clubs to meet new friends you need to first have friends in order to get the kazillion sponsors you need to join in the first place.

Beach Bash in Mantoloking

Even at the shore where we had a summer house it was natural and easy. After many years of summer shore house shares with friends, there was a community already and a familiarity (and a bar scene) that provided lots more friend-making opportunities. We joined a yacht club when our boys were young and tired of just hanging at the beach making sand castles so they could learn to sail and play tennis. I made many dear friends at the Mantoloking Yacht Club playing tennis and sailing myself and volunteering at dinner dances and regattas.

But now I had moved to another continent. As a spouse. No job or occupation. No school. No playgroups for my sons. My only real point of contact to the friendship pool was my husband. Not good. Lots of dreary office talk at dinner. Okay every once in a while at a braai on a Friday night for a laugh, but a steady diet would be deadly. I need Girlfriends with a capital G!

So I had to do some due diligence. Where would I find my new friends?

my sister and I w the BSF group in the Holy Land

First thing I did was transfer to a local Bible Study Fellowship group. One of the things I did in the 3 minutes I thought about whether I wanted to move to South Africa with Vince is to check the BSF website and see if they had a group in Johannesburg I could transfer to. I had been studying the Bible with BSF for three years in nearby New Providence, NJ at the urging of my sister who studied in Denver where she lives. I loved it!

My sister and I went to the Holy Land with a BSF International group last October and I loved everyone on the trip so I knew BSF people were good people wherever they lived. A few of my fellow pilgrims have even moved up to become very dear friends in their own right since our trip. One of the many things I love about BSF is that it is national. If I was away on vacation or visiting my sons or sister in California or Colorado and missing my weekly lesson, I could visit a local class and join a group. Now I would get to check out the international possibilities. And yes, there was a class that meets on Wednesday morning in Randburg, another suburb of Johannesburg. Praise God! Alleluia!

One of the perks of Vince's job is membership in several Joburg country clubs with some really fine golf courses like the Royal Johannesburg & Kensington. I have always avoided playing golf in the past even though the pressure was great in the golf-heavy world I was leaving behind in NJ. But I have a feeling the sailing stinks around land-locked Johannesburg so maybe it is finally time to join a nine-holer, learn to play golf, and meet some people in the bargain. (There is actually the Transvaal Yacht Club nearby which sails on a large inland lake formed by the Hartbeespoort Dam which we will surely check out one weekend. But after bay and ocean sailing, I am not sure if it will measure up. So golf it is!)

There is no shortage of international and expatriate club options for women too. They offer dining clubs, book clubs, garden clubs and games. I would definitely like to learn Mahjong, but not sure about Bridge. Between Golf and Bridge, I would not want to turn into "little Englishmen" as Denys Finch Hatton warned Karen would happen to her Kikuyu if she taught them how to read in Out of Africa. But the International Women's Club of Johannesburg will have something that the RJ&KGC may not, ex-pats who understand what it is like to be a stranger in a strange land.

And there are the lovely  neighbors of course in my small apartment complex. Daphne, Val, Nikki, Tracey and Marian have been super supportive showing me the best plant nursery, Pilates studio, markets, and restaurants in the area, inviting me to tea and us for braais, lending me their IT expert sons to fix my internet, recommending dentists and doctors for us and vets for the puppies. They all have dogs so the puppies have become my new currency for friendships.

So here I am, Johannesburg. Open for business!